Stepdaughter

[Brickman]

God love her.

Sure she messed up in high school and crashed into the slow car in front of her (parking lot) causing so much damage that when "her dad" got the car fixed, her insurance went through the roof.

Sure she did the same thing last April, running into the car at the light that started and stopped, (suspected cell phone texting) that time "her dad" upon my advice got the car fixed out of pocket. $2,400 out of her "birth parents" pocket books.

Sure she has the drawer full of cell phones because she needs the latest and the greatest.

Sure she was academically dismissed with a 1.8 in college.

Sure they dug up the ol Attention Deficit Disorder doctor (from jr high) and write up an excuse to take smaller loads and get preferential treatment getting classes. Exam? We don't need to examine you, here's a letter.

Sure she got back in school, did well a couple of semesters, she works 18 hours a week, wants to be a nurse, doesn't crack a book yet, taking 7 units?.

Sure she admted to drinking underage when I pointed out to her mother that she be boozing it up, the first time it was a liter of Captn Morgan in her trunk found when fixing her car, next the one her mom "accidently" found was a liter of Apple Schnapps, "oh mom, it was just terrible tasting" yea... only 1/2 inch left in the bottle. Just terrible she only had 7/8ths of a bottle with her friends.

Sure her daugher never drinks and drives... "Mom you taught me better than that".

Sure I pointed out that she's obsessed at getting her 21 yr old driver's license. Why? Because they don't have a big red stripe on it, she doesn't want to wait a second of time getting carded. But 21 came and the candles weren't even cold before she was at the DMV getting new license.

Sure when I finally enlightened her mother about her little "sleep overs" weren't pajama parties with her girlfriends, but were simply bingefests, it wasn't believed.

Sure after I showed her mother in black and white that one friends on My Space called her an alcoholic, she thought it was kids trying to be "cool".

I even got a phone call tonight from the little **** that wrote that "she doesn't drink alone, she's not an alcoholic". I told the idiot I never said she was, those are his words. (he drinks with her)

Sure after her mother read in black and white, by her daughter's own words that they were drunk at the local grocery store... I thought I may have made some headway... but noooo kids trying to be "cool" again.

Now I point out to dear ol mom that yea... daughter was sick Saturday, and slept all Sunday because it's a booze thing. Hello... I'm the bad guy?

Am I believed? Wife asks "Anything other than circumstantial evidence"?

Well... I'm not square. Both her mother and I were more mature at 21, being married, being in the Air Force, holding down jobs, buying houses. There is a time to party and not drink and drive, never thought binge drinking, passing out and throwing up all over the place was very smart. Drink beer at races, like my scotch at the races when camping. "Drink responsible"

Anyways... I'm tried to convey to my wife with a PHD that her daughter is going to **** up her life, she is too stupid not to get killed driving home at 1:30 in the morning. But to no avail...

One miserable household where people smile and make small talk, haven't seen the stepdaughter in a couple of days, heavy exams on (two classes) Tuesday, binge on Tuesday night.

So the scorecard, one liar, one manipulated spouse. One bad guy.

The scorecard will change tomorrow, I'm going to tell the 21 year old... to tell her mother the truth. Speak softly, carry a big stick. ;)

[trish]

You can't force your wife to believe something she doesn't want to. And it's not likely you're going to force her daughter to admit something she doesn't even believe to be true.

I really don't see what more you can say or do in this situation which is not going to make your home life very uncomfortable. No offense, but your posted conversations with your wife have an "I told you so" feel to it even though that probably isn't your intention. You're just setting yourself up to be the bad guy at this point.


It you want to give it one last try, go right ahead. But then let it go. Pray for your stepdaughter. Be there for your wife. Do not obsess over your stepdaughter's problems. They are hers alone until she can ask for help. Good luck.

This is all JMO of course.

[Sean Malone]

Until about the fourth item, I thought this was one of those "warm and fuzzy" ending emails that go around the office, you know, the "moral" ones.

Anyway, I actually don't have any advice. My wife is very defensive of our 17 year old and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can get through the next few years without any major **** happening.

But I do want to be supportive. It isn't a pretty picture you paint and of course the last thing you want is the 'phone call' in the middle of the night.

I'm the 'bad guy' all the time between my wife and daughter. "mean ol' dad" who always says "no" and goes out of my way to look for the negatives (so they accuse).

Hope things turn out OK brick. Hang in there.

[Spicoli]

Can I get her number? :D

[cheesewhiz]

Can I get her number? :D

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Indy]

You might point out to your wife that of those of us who binge drank from age 15 forward (yes, I was one of those), some percentage, perhaps 70%, grew up, recovered, and considered themselves lucky to have survived and not to have killed anyone else in the process. Some small percentage, say 5%, died or killed someone and wished they had died. Some number, perhaps 25%, became lifelong alcoholics and had their lives ruined by it. I know several of these people now. Life of the party at 21. Wretched drunks now, whether they let anyone know it or not. A few I knew are dead.

So, tell your wife that 70% are pretty good odds. Sort of like Russian Roulette. Nothing to worry about.

[Sean Malone]

You might point out to your wife that of those of us who binge drank from age 15 forward (yes, I was one of those), some percentage, perhaps 70%, grew up, recovered, and considered themselves lucky to have survived and not to have killed anyone else in the process. Some small percentage, say 5%, died or killed someone and wished they had died. Some number, perhaps 25%, became lifelong alcoholics and had their lives ruined by it. I know several of these people now. Life of the party at 21. Wretched drunks now, whether they let anyone know it or not. A few I knew are dead.

So, tell your wife that 70% are pretty good odds. Sort of like Russian Roulette. Nothing to worry about.

I'm sure brick et al will find your statistics quite inspiring. :gomer:

You're not an alcoholic if you only drink beer. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!!:D

[Indy]

You're not an alcoholic if you only drink beer. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!!:D

I have slowly come to believe that, for the most part, you either have the genetics to be an alcoholic or you don't. It is not fair, but some people can get away with it, and some can't. I got lucky, especially considering the genetics I could have inherited. I worry for my son, however.

[Sean Malone]

I have slowly come to believe that, for the most part, you either have the genetics to be an alcoholic or you don't. It is not fair, but some people can get away with it, and some can't. I got lucky, especially considering the genetics I could have inherited. I worry for my son, however.

Is it genetics or 'exposure' and 'habit'? My granddad was a wealthy executive who shmoozed clients with martini's at lunch, lowballs at happy hour and whatever anyone was drinking with dinner, five or six days a week. After he retired it was martini's at the country club at lunch, lowballs for happy hour and then mix it up the rest of the evening...seven days a week.
The result? He and his wife probably could have lived 20 years longer (they smoked too which is really what did them in).
Getting to my point, when we would visit on the holidays, it was large family gathers, always late night games of Gin Rumy for the adults while me and my cousins ran around and longed for the days until we were old enough to join the table and...have our own signature drink. It was a big deal when my sister, the oldest grandchild, was asked to play cards.
All of the adults had "their drink", Aunt Marsha drank Manhattans, mom was a gin and tonic gal, Grand dad drank scotch or oldfashions (martini’s at lunch of course), grand mom drank Greyhounds etc. To this day we all do drink (I stick to beer), but my sister doesn't.

[Don Quixote]

You can't force your wife to believe something she doesn't want to. And it's not likely you're going to force her daughter to admit something she doesn't even believe to be true.
This is the crux of the problem. The existance of a strong enabler makes it much harder to make the person with the problem face it. Unfortunately, the person has to hit rock bottom, and you are not there yet. Bummer.

[Indy]

Sean, I think exposure and habit affect the outcome, and no doubt it is possible for someone not genetically inclined to be an alcoholic to become one, if they "work" at it hard enough. But I have experience with people close to me having this problem, and they have a different physical response to alcohol than I do. I am convinced it is genetic.

[Andrew Longman]

Good luck Brick. I don't have any good advice to add except to hope/suggest that she takes up something she is passionate about. Partying and hanging with friends at that age is often just filler for a void she may have in her feelings she has for herself and her future.

Being a nurse doesn't seem to thrill her or she would be working harder for it. But there must be something that will spark her.

Either that or show her the Jon Michael Vincent thread. :D

[Sean Malone]

Sean, I think exposure and habit affect the outcome, and no doubt it is possible for someone not genetically inclined to be an alcoholic to become one, if they "work" at it hard enough. But I have experience with people close to me having this problem, and they have a different physical response to alcohol than I do. I am convinced it is genetic.

Could be. If it could be proven that it is genetic than would that lend credibility to the theory that alcoholism is a 'disease', and subsequently you could be file for aid under that 'disability'?

[Indy]

Could be. If it could be proven that it is genetic than would that lend credibility to the theory that alcoholism is a 'disease', and subsequently you could be file for aid under that 'disability'?

My attitude, having experience with them, is that the "disease" angle is a cop out. I am prone to be fat, prone to screw around on my wife, prone to violence, and prone to a lot of things due to evolutionary pressures and my Irish/English genetic inheritance, but I don't see society giving me a pass on any of those things, nor would I want them to. The bottom line is that you have a choice -- alcohol is not necessary to sustain life.

[Ankf00]

this thread needs pics. accomplices included, of course.

[Gnam]

Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.'
Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.
One of those two doesn't sound right.

[/mitch]

If she's driving drunk, make her aware of the consequences of a DUI in your state. Also, make her parents aware about the financial risk they are both in if she causes an accident. People may think they are invincible or that their kids are angels, but everyone feels vulnerable financially.

BTW, in addition to being a theft deterent, a club on the steering wheel can also serve as an effective anti-DUI device. :p

[Andrew Longman]

If she's driving drunk, make her aware of the consequences of a DUI in your state. Also, make her parents aware about the financial risk they are both in if she causes an accident. People may think they are invincible or that their kids are angels, but everyone feels vulnerable financially.

True. When, for example, you apply for life insurance they will ask if you ever had you license suspended and why. It will effect your rate and even if you can get.

If she kills or maims someone, she and perhaps her parents can be sued for millions more than her auto insurance will cover.

Sadly I know several 20-somethings with multiple DWIs already. Without a license they have limited job prospects which will impact their ability to establish a career and their lifetime earning potential.

That one beer can cost hundreds of thousands even millions over a lifetime.

[Brickman]

Good luck Brick. I don't have any good advice to add except to hope/suggest that she takes up something she is passionate about. Partying and hanging with friends at that age is often just filler for a void she may have in her feelings she has for herself and her future.

Being a nurse doesn't seem to thrill her or she would be working harder for it. But there must be something that will spark her.

Either that or show her the Jon Michael Vincent thread. :D

I was going to reply to Spicoli, because he could take her off my hands. But you hit the mark.

Both her parents are successful medical professionals, so she was going to follow in their footsteps. Now it's down to nurse. Her parents are giving her bad advice, IMHO she's only going the nurse route, because it's the only acceptable rung on the ladder, her decision. She should be working in a field that comes easy, not academic, good people skills, all smiles and butt kissing.

I understand the trials and tribulations of one who graduates from High School and knows not what they want to do. Finding one's place in life isn't as easy as the little square peg round hole game they played with as toddlers. Sometimes working in the real world is better than taking W's in college.

Both parents divorced when she was quite young, but she was always a "daddy's girl" until high school, now her mother bends over backward to accomodate her. Her mom is a mormon goodie two shoes, not a "natural mormon", those people are saints without getting bitchy, using bad language. She has a good heart, exceptional hard worker, professional, just missed the parenting boat and her personality is "complicated" her words not mine...

What bothers me, besides the binge drinking, is the lying and manipulation of the parent. It was written in black and white, and she sees Dolan blue. When I raised my daughter I had two rules, number one was if I counted 1... 2... 3... and she didn't get done what she was supposed to by 3, she got a wallop. Just one spank like throwing a bowling ball. Worked like a charm. The second was about truth, she would only get punished for what truths about doing wrong she didn't tell me. If she did something wrong, and told me, there was no punishment. Honesty rewarded, corrective actions put in place, but no punishment. Punishment was for lying and dishonesty IF I found out. I told my daughter what my father told me once, I'm your best friend, I won't lie or steal from you, you can always trust me. You'll go though life having friends and aquaintenances, but you will always have me that you can trust.

I was going to discuss this matter with mother and daughter last night, but her mom was tired, and daughter had previous plans, later her mother said that she didn't want me keeping her daughter up late because she has "school" in the morning. So I agreed to talk to her tonight... her daughter rolled in at 1:36 AM this morning. It's this kind of ******** that will end tonight.

My solution is unique, I will give both the enabler and the manipulator reasons to seek the truth. I will read to her what her friend posted about her being an alcoholic. Then I will tell her to tell her mother the truth.

The truth is out there...

[dando]

:(

Good luck, Brick.

-Kevin

[Brickman]

If she's driving drunk, make her aware of the consequences of a DUI in your state. Also, make her parents aware about the financial risk they are both in if she causes an accident. People may think they are invincible or that their kids are angels, but everyone feels vulnerable financially.

BTW, in addition to being a theft deterent, a club on the steering wheel can also serve as an effective anti-DUI device. :p

When she bought her car, it was a new one after her used learn to drive car. I made sure it was in her father's name, added $1,000 for the down payment to make it so, and her license is also at her father's house. I have told my daughter that I would fly back to NY if she ever even got a speeding ticket and club her car. I won't even say hello.

It's cinder blocks and 1 ton jack on my shopping list today, it's for Phase II.

[Gnam]

Good luck with all that, dude. :laugh:


She should be working in a field that comes easy, not academic, good people skills, all smiles and butt kissing.

Sounds like she'd make a good drug rep for a pharmaceutical company:
* good at selling doctors a line of bull
* can work the system
* likes to party
* gives it away for free

[G.]

Best of luck, Brick. No way in hell that you will be anything other than the "worse" guy come this weekend. Denial and manipulation form a subatomic bond that not even a black hole can rend asunder. Wear your quark undies and you just might live through it.

I hope I am wrong.

I am sure that I am wrong about the quantum ****, but I hope this works well for you.

[SteveH]

Good luck. Young and stupid often is an acceptable excuse. Young, stupid and drunk isn't.

[Wheel-Nut]

Good luck, glad I have boys.

[Andrew Longman]

Good luck Brick. Just try to keep calm tonight.

My daughter is actually the one of my three I never, ever worry about.

[Sean Malone]

Look on the bright side, at least she's not prego.

[Ankf00]

Good luck, glad I have boys.

the rest of brick's problems still apply, you'll just never have to worry about raising a baby ;)

[Spicoli]

I was going to reply to Spicoli, because he could take her off my hands. But you hit the mark.

Both her parents are successful medical professionals, so she was going to follow in their footsteps. Now it's down to nurse. Her parents are giving her bad advice, IMHO she's only going the nurse route, because it's the only acceptable rung on the ladder, her decision. She should be working in a field that comes easy, not academic, good people skills, all smiles and butt kissing.

I understand the trials and tribulations of one who graduates from High School and knows not what they want to do. Finding one's place in life isn't as easy as the little square peg round hole game they played with as toddlers. Sometimes working in the real world is better than taking W's in college.

Both parents divorced when she was quite young, but she was always a "daddy's girl" until high school, now her mother bends over backward to accomodate her. Her mom is a mormon goodie two shoes, not a "natural mormon", those people are saints without getting bitchy, using bad language. She has a good heart, exceptional hard worker, professional, just missed the parenting boat and her personality is "complicated" her words not mine...

What bothers me, besides the binge drinking, is the lying and manipulation of the parent. It was written in black and white, and she sees Dolan blue. When I raised my daughter I had two rules, number one was if I counted 1... 2... 3... and she didn't get done what she was supposed to by 3, she got a wallop. Just one spank like throwing a bowling ball. Worked like a charm. The second was about truth, she would only get punished for what truths about doing wrong she didn't tell me. If she did something wrong, and told me, there was no punishment. Honesty rewarded, corrective actions put in place, but no punishment. Punishment was for lying and dishonesty IF I found out. I told my daughter what my father told me once, I'm your best friend, I won't lie or steal from you, you can always trust me. You'll go though life having friends and aquaintenances, but you will always have me that you can trust.

I was going to discuss this matter with mother and daughter last night, but her mom was tired, and daughter had previous plans, later her mother said that she didn't want me keeping her daughter up late because she has "school" in the morning. So I agreed to talk to her tonight... her daughter rolled in at 1:36 AM this morning. It's this kind of ******** that will end tonight.

My solution is unique, I will give both the enabler and the manipulator reasons to seek the truth. I will read to her what her friend posted about her being an alcoholic. Then I will tell her to tell her mother the truth.

The truth is out there...

At least for a weekend...;)

SRSLY - you sound REALLY frustrated. Let me axe you something that seems to be apparent here. She is your stepdaughter, not your daughter, and as much as she lives with you/off you, she might not see you as that much of a parent.

What I would reccommend is that you take her out a couple times. Once, do something YOU suggest, next go out in her world.

Report back. Maybe its not as bad as you thihnk.

[Sean Malone]

At least for a weekend...;)

SRSLY - you sound REALLY frustrated. Let me axe you something that seems to be apparent here. She is your stepdaughter, not your daughter, and as much as she lives with you/off you, she might not see you as that much of a parent.

What I would reccommend is that you take her out a couple times. Once, do something YOU suggest, next go out in her world.

Report back. Maybe its not as bad as you thihnk.

I srsly doubt she'll go for that.

I think if she's going to drink, she's goin gto drink. You need to express your concern for her health, concern for others health (DUI accidents) and the finalcial impact like others have mentioned. Nothin my parents said changed my life style, but the things they instilled in me as far as judgment kept me (and others) alive.

[Brickman]

At least for a weekend...;)

SRSLY - you sound REALLY frustrated. Let me axe you something that seems to be apparent here. She is your stepdaughter, not your daughter, and as much as she lives with you/off you, she might not see you as that much of a parent.

What I would reccommend is that you take her out a couple times. Once, do something YOU suggest, next go out in her world.

Report back. Maybe its not as bad as you thihnk.

She binge drinks. Now how good could that world be?

As a stepfather, I did my best to have a good relationship. Before we were married I had her dad over for lunch so he could see where his daughter would be living, family vacations always included her, normal above quality gift giving, and teaching her about cars and insurance, all the things that get teens from childhood to adulthood. I bought her her first car, little Sentra SE.

I did not spoil her, sure I gave her a MacBook for her 18th-20th birthday, but otherwise just helped with guidance. I would warn her mother about abusive tendancies about her boyfriend, she passed along the warning, after the relationship ended 2 yrs later how verbally abusive he was came out.

I never have compared her with my daughter, they both have the same opportunity, but I have no doubt she feels like she's an underachiever, I never ever used her as an example. I have tried to help my wife out in parenting, but as most over worked tired spouces are, she simply lets her brain stay on the shelf.

How her daughter got though high school is anyone's wonder, it was all social and at home no homework, always instant messaging, chat rooms, on My Space for hours. I never bossed her around, simply because I never wanted my wife to boss my daughter around. Pretty much kept her in check, but her mom had no idea she was cutting classes and going joy riding during school. She watched a movie with dear ol mom and she was My Spacing through the whole thing.

So here she is on her fourth year in college, maybe has 33 units completed. Thinks she's an adult, and thinks she can do no wrong. Doesn't lift a finger around the house. Lies to her mother. Now it's my turn to be lied to... ain't gonna happen. I don't have a problem being the bad guy, years of being on racing forums prepared me well. ;)

[Brickman]

Oh... and she thinks buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. They made that Billboard just for her.

http://www.adcouncil.org/files/drunkdriving_buzzeddriving_ooh.jpg

[Ankf00]

.05 is a criminal offense here.



"What is 'A crock of ****.' for $1000, Alex."

[Andrew Longman]

...years of being on racing forums prepared me well. ;)

uh oh. :gomer:

Other than my wife's parents, who divorced when she was in college, I have zero first hand experience with broken/combined families. Lots of new and emerging rules.

When you are the child's parent, you clear license to set down and enforcing the rules. There is plenty of opportunity for disagreement with your spouse, but you are negotiating as equals.

You seem to be at a point of demanding the full rights and responsibilities of a father. If this is going on in your house on your watch, if you are expecting/expected to unconditionally love your step daughter as if she was your own, then you cannot sit on the second team bench and watch the starters screw it up.

I respectfully submit that you should have done that long ago. And the negotiation is with your wife not the child. Not an attack but a confrontation that says you can't just let it go, you are not willing to end the marriage over it, and so you need to come to an understanding that things need to change and they need to change first with how your wife views her daughter's behavior and next with kid's behavior.

But then it is important enough I'm not sure you should be acting on advice from lunatic fringe racing fanatic internet jockeys. :D

[Spicoli]

She binge drinks. Now how good could that world be?

As a stepfather, I did my best to have a good relationship. Before we were married I had her dad over for lunch so he could see where his daughter would be living, family vacations always included her, normal above quality gift giving, and teaching her about cars and insurance, all the things that get teens from childhood to adulthood. I bought her her first car, little Sentra SE.

I did not spoil her, sure I gave her a MacBook for her 18th-20th birthday, but otherwise just helped with guidance. I would warn her mother about abusive tendancies about her boyfriend, she passed along the warning, after the relationship ended 2 yrs later how verbally abusive he was came out.

I never have compared her with my daughter, they both have the same opportunity, but I have no doubt she feels like she's an underachiever, I never ever used her as an example. I have tried to help my wife out in parenting, but as most over worked tired spouces are, she simply lets her brain stay on the shelf.

How her daughter got though high school is anyone's wonder, it was all social and at home no homework, always instant messaging, chat rooms, on My Space for hours. I never bossed her around, simply because I never wanted my wife to boss my daughter around. Pretty much kept her in check, but her mom had no idea she was cutting classes and going joy riding during school. She watched a movie with dear ol mom and she was My Spacing through the whole thing.

So here she is on her fourth year in college, maybe has 33 units completed. Thinks she's an adult, and thinks she can do no wrong. Doesn't lift a finger around the house. Lies to her mother. Now it's my turn to be lied to... ain't gonna happen. I don't have a problem being the bad guy, years of being on racing forums prepared me well. ;)

Tough love dooder. My suggestion was to take her out with you and (if you have any) friends for a couple beers, chat, whatever. Then you go out with her friends, in her world. Maybe she realizes what a dick she is if you are there?

All I know is it sounds like what you are doing so far isnt working. Switch it up, IYKWIM.

Also, and this is really important, is she hot? I mean does she have guys knocking down the doors, etc?

[Brickman]

uh oh. :gomer:

Other than my wife's parents, who divorced when she was in college, I have zero first hand experience with broken/combined families. Lots of new and emerging rules.

When you are the child's parent, you clear license to set down and enforcing the rules. There is plenty of opportunity for disagreement with your spouse, but you are negotiating as equals.

You seem to be at a point of demanding the full rights and responsibilities of a father. If this is going on in your house on your watch, if you are expecting/expected to unconditionally love your step daughter as if she was your own, then you cannot sit on the second team bench and watch the starters screw it up.

I respectfully submit that you should have done that long ago. And the negotiation is with your wife not the child. Not an attack but a confrontation that says you can't just let it go, you are not willing to end the marriage over it, and so you need to come to an understanding that things need to change and they need to change first with how your wife views her daughter's behavior and next with kid's behavior.

But then it is important enough I'm not sure you should be acting on advice from lunatic fringe racing fanatic internet jockeys. :D

AAhhhh broken families. I like to call them melded ones.

The difficulty easy part is same rules applying for both kids. The difficulty is when one child resents a spouse. My stepdaughter gets along fine with me, and respects me. My daughter doesn't respect my wife, but gets along.

I never have disciplined my stepdaughter, because I don't want her doing the same for my daughter. Her logic is obviously screwy. Of course both children have a bond with their parents, and why risk the harmony of asking/requiring the kids to respond to demands of the parent, when both parents are on the same page... We have never had issues in 7 years that I felt I needed to scold, correct, admonish, or punish her. her mother has found plenty of times to do so, but that beause we have different requirements. I was very active in my kids education, I don't think my wife studied/quized with her daughter once in high school.

My wife has taken issue that I haven't been the "leader" when it comes to this alcohol subject, but I have told her IF I speak, and am given authority, then the hangover princess will be none too please. I was asked to speak, and will be laying down the law.

In a perfect world step children would love and respect both parents equally, I think a lot can depend on the age of the children at marriage, the availability of the other birth parent, what their relationship is/was like. Both parents of the right mind and parenting skills could pull this off. But every child has different personalities formed from "nurturing" and "nature" that makes that child's parent/step parent relationship different.

I actually trace a lot of the problems with this kid on the custody arrangement. They swapped days each week, M,T,W switch T,F, switch S,S switch to other parent to start the week M,T,W... The kid had the best of both parents on the weekends, but homework, reports, school, had no "lead" parent. "But I did homework/read at Mom's/Dad's". Between that and her dad remarrying to a babe 13 years younger created some over the top spoiling, to be favored more than just by dad or stepmom.

[Spicoli]

So, is she a hottie? Guys chasing her around all the time?

[Brickman]

So, is she a hottie? Guys chasing her around all the time?

Some might consider her, but throw a gal in a pool and after the makeup washes off, you tend to find out about being a hottie or not.

Well... we had a nice family meeting. I really suspected that she might hold back, so I played the Divorce card, I figured that having her mother in her corner would keep her from admitting anything. So I told them both it's time to be truthful, or they will both be sent packing. I just didn't want any stone left unturned. I wanted her to have more to risk than just getting a scolding. I wanted my wife to understand I'm not going to live a life of coddling alcohol abusers.

She basically admitted to "overstepping bounds", and boozing it up but added that everything about what was said on My Space was just joking. Yea she lied, and told a few others. The worst thing is she is so convincing in denying things I know happened that I have proof that happened, that all her "I'm not a bad girl" kind of falls on deaf ears. But the more she talked, the more it became clear that she drank. Pretty good liar, tends to cry more to change the subject.

I didn't tell my wife that her sister use buy booze for her and her boyfriend to drink when house sitting. That would kinda zing.

I didn't tell her she was lying about some binges she forgot about, I loved her "the first time I threw up the same night was when I was 21".

This isn't over, and time will tell how it turns out. But she will know people are watching and suspecting.

[Spicoli]

Some might consider her, but throw a gal in a pool and after the makeup washes off, you tend to find out about being a hottie or not.

Well... we had a nice family meeting. I really suspected that she might hold back, so I played the Divorce card, I figured that having her mother in her corner would keep her from admitting anything. So I told them both it's time to be truthful, or they will both be sent packing. I just didn't want any stone left unturned. I wanted her to have more to risk than just getting a scolding. I wanted my wife to understand I'm not going to live a life of coddling alcohol abusers.

She basically admitted to "overstepping bounds", and boozing it up but added that everything about what was said on My Space was just joking. Yea she lied, and told a few others. The worst thing is she is so convincing in denying things I know happened that I have proof that happened, that all her "I'm not a bad girl" kind of falls on deaf ears. But the more she talked, the more it became clear that she drank. Pretty good liar, tends to cry more to change the subject.

I didn't tell my wife that her sister use buy booze for her and her boyfriend to drink when house sitting. That would kinda zing.

I didn't tell her she was lying about some binges she forgot about, I loved her "the first time I threw up the same night was when I was 21".

This isn't over, and time will tell how it turns out. But she will know people are watching and suspecting.

so, let me get this straight? You gave them some sort of ultimatum? Stop drinking or you and your mom (your wife) can hit the road?:saywhat:

And on the hotness thing: The reason I ask is some women think they need the booze in order to "get the guys". Some women who are hot can rise above all that.

soultion? Send her to modeling school. :D

[trish]

It doesn't seem fair that you both agreed not to discipline the others child, but now you are changing the rules. That you would go so far as to threaten your wife with divorce seems very extreme.

[Methanolandbrats]

soultion? Send her to modeling school. :D

There is a local modeling school at the top of this list

http://www.stripclublist.com/c.asp?c=7945

[Spicoli]

There is a local modeling school at the top of this list

http://www.stripclublist.com/c.asp?c=7945

my link opens up to this:


Classy Chassy - Indianapolis, Indiana
Latest review:
this place sucks....they have the skaniest girls around. The...

Paging Al Junior, Al Junior please step to a white courtesy telephone.... :D

[TKGAngel]

She basically admitted to "overstepping bounds", and boozing it up but added that everything about what was said on My Space was just joking.

She may need to be reminded that if you (her stepdad) can find things on myspace, potential employers can as well. Especially if she's going into the health care field, employers may not take too kindly to comments/photos about boozing it up.

[Sean Malone]

Here's a possible solution; through relentless pontification on various internet message boards, you gain notoriety and thus the attention of a racing series management team. That will grant you privileges behind the scenes where you can introduce your step-daughter to any one of the young, single and rich drivers. Marriage announcement will soon follow...problem solved. And you'll make many friends along the way to boot!:thumbup:

[Wheel-Nut]

So, is she a hottie? Guys chasing her around all the time?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v293/Wheel-Nut/beerchick.jpg

[SteveH]

She may need to be reminded that if you (her stepdad) can find things on myspace, potential employers can as well. Especially if she's going into the health care field, employers may not take too kindly to comments/photos about boozing it up.


Over a year ago I saw a piece on TV about HR departments screening applicants based on what they found on internet social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. Comments about drinking excessively and drug use resulted in being eliminated for a job.

[Andrew Longman]

It doesn't seem fair that you both agreed not to discipline the others child, but now you are changing the rules. That you would go so far as to threaten your wife with divorce seems very extreme.


It may seem that way but what are the choices?

a) Confront them both to be more accountable for the impact they are having on themselves and the family

b) Just let it go regardless if the situation worsens

c) Leave.

All are viable alternatives, but I can 't think of any others. Having that clarity make the choice easier. Threatening to leave is not the same as saying there may have no other choice and its a choice they make collectively.

If they are willing to step up and be more accountable then there are a host of possibilities including counseling.

[Sean Malone]

It may seem that way but what are the choices?

a) Confront them both to be more accountable for the impact they are having on themselves and the family

b) Just let it go regardless if the situation worsens

c) Leave.

All are viable alternatives, but I can 't think of any others. Having that clarity make the choice easier. Threatening to leave is not the same as saying there may have no other choice and its a choice they make collectively.

If they are willing to step up and be more accountable then there are a host of possibilities including counseling.

Family counseling. Mediation before extremes would be my approach. unless he wants out anyway. Just sayin'. But first I'd try the internet thing.

[jcollins28]

Uh so Brick why haven't you been taking her to Long Beach every year and introducing her to CHAMP CAR drivers? I hear Bobby D is quite the ladies man.

[Spicoli]

Tough room. :p

[Brickman]

It doesn't seem fair that you both agreed not to discipline the others child, but now you are changing the rules. That you would go so far as to threaten your wife with divorce seems very extreme.


You have a boozer who doesn't think she has a problem. You have a mother that believes all that is said by daughter, ignoring liters of booze fond in her trunk. They both had issues and without consequenses neither HAD to face the truth.

I gave them both a reason to face the truth.

Can you imagine what it would be like to live in this home if they both denied? If they she ignored what was in black and white and took her daughters side and decided I was a liar about the whole thing? How wonderful would the rest of my married years be?

[Brickman]

Uh so Brick why haven't you been taking her to Long Beach every year and introducing her to CHAMP CAR drivers? I hear Bobby D is quite the ladies man.

She wouldn't even be interested in Dale Jr. ;)

[Sean Malone]

Can you imagine what it would be like to live in this home if they both denied? If they she ignored what was in black and white and took her daughters side and decided I was a liar about the whole thing? How wonderful would the rest of my married years be?

****, welcome to my life! Its the world of being the only male in my wife and daughters house.:flame: I'm always wrong. :(

[Brickman]

****, welcome to my life! Its the world of being the only male in my wife and daughters house.:flame: I'm always wrong. :(

Well don't turn to booze... ;)

There are so many others that have far more difficult issues than this little family. Like having a family friend lose her son to a heroin addiction on Mother's day, that was tougher than hell... it all starts somewhere. Keeping eyes open and never having the attitude that it couldn't happen to my kid is the most important thing.

[Sean Malone]

Well don't turn to booze... ;)

There are so many others that have far more difficult issues than this little family. Like having a family friend lose her son to a heroin addiction on Mother's day, that was tougher than hell... it all starts somewhere. Keeping eyes open and never having the attitude that it couldn't happen to my kid is the most important thing.

Does beer count. No? Ok, thanks! :)

[Spicoli]

You have a boozer who doesn't think she has a problem. You have a mother that believes all that is said by daughter, ignoring liters of booze fond in her trunk. They both had issues and without consequenses neither HAD to face the truth.

I gave them both a reason to face the truth.

Can you imagine what it would be like to live in this home if they both denied? If they she ignored what was in black and white and took her daughters side and decided I was a liar about the whole thing? How wonderful would the rest of my married years be?



There is only one outcome my friend.

[Sean Malone]

There is only one outcome my friend.

Did you get that in your fortune cookie at lunch today?:gomer:

[G.]

Where to begin?

Brickie gots da ballz for the ultimatum thing. now if he could grow a spine on one side of the racing fence or the other, we could get somewhere! :p

OK, you got the "I busted your *** and don't believe you at all" part out of the way. And don't, BTW, believe her.

Now you've created a more-secretive SD. She's plotting how to hide all her bad juju from mean ol' brickhead. Bank on it. Bet on it. Stake your marriage on it. Guess you already did that part.

Now the next step is to get her to actually see the light and understand that you are correct and that you are only looking out for her best interest.

Good luck with that!

Took my bro a few weeks in a coma from meningitis to straighten out. Jury's still out on that one.

Maybe take her to a dive bar and introduce her to some barfly's?
Marines?

I dunno.

SHE has to come to that realization, not much you can do to force that.

(interesting stuff, and thanks for sharing it with a bunch of idiot race fans.)

[Sean Malone]

Where to begin?

Brickie gots da ballz for the ultimatum thing. now if he could grow a spine on one side of the racing fence or the other, we could get somewhere! :p

OK, you got the "I busted your *** and don't believe you at all" part out of the way. And don't, BTW, believe her.

Now you've created a more-secretive SD. She's plotting how to hide all her bad juju from mean ol' brickhead. Bank on it. Bet on it. Stake your marriage on it. Guess you already did that part.

Now the next step is to get her to actually see the light and understand that you are correct and that you are only looking out for her best interest.

Good luck with that!

Took my bro a few weeks in a coma from meningitis to straighten out. Jury's still out on that one.

Maybe take her to a dive bar and introduce her to some barfly's?
Marines?

I dunno.

SHE has to come to that realization, not much you can do to force that.

(interesting stuff, and thanks for sharing it with a bunch of idiot race fans.)

hey! Who you callin' a race fan?:mad:

[jcollins28]

Where to begin?

Brickie gots da ballz for the ultimatum thing. now if he could grow a spine on one side of the racing fence or the other, we could get somewhere!

OK, you got the "I busted your *** and don't believe you at all" part out of the way. And don't, BTW, believe her.

Now you've created a more-secretive SD. She's plotting how to hide all her bad juju from mean ol' brickhead. Bank on it. Bet on it. Stake your marriage on it. Guess you already did that part.

Now the next step is to get her to actually see the light and understand that you are correct and that you are only looking out for her best interest.

Good luck with that!

Took my bro a few weeks in a coma from meningitis to straighten out. Jury's still out on that one.

Maybe take her to a dive bar and introduce her to some barfly's?
Marines?

I dunno.

SHE has to come to that realization, not much you can do to force that.

(interesting stuff, and thanks for sharing it with a bunch of idiot race fans.)

I live in the same general area as Brick and I would bet that she visits a dive bar popular with Marines already. She ever talk about a place called the "Brandin Iron"?

BTW is one of these girls her?
http://www.pd-go.com/images-pdgo/image-10669.jpg

[G.]

I live in the same general area as Brick and I would bet that she visits a dive bar popular with Marines already. She ever talk about a place called the "Brandin Iron"?

BTW is one of these girls her?
http://www.pd-go.com/images-pdgo/image-10669.jpgNo man, I mean the 45 yr old drunkard barflys that look 65, with the gravely throat and the 3 ex husbands.

Those girls are still "cool". Well, actually kinda hot.

[Brickman]

I live in the same general area as Brick and I would bet that she visits a dive bar popular with Marines already. She ever talk about a place called the "Brandin Iron"?

BTW is one of these girls her?
http://www.pd-go.com/images-pdgo/image-10669.jpg

She was there on Wednesday night. (I think it was 18 yr old night??)

Came home at 1:30

"Didn't have a single drink"

Nope

[jcollins28]

She was there on Wednesday night. (I think it was 18 yr old night??)

Came home at 1:30

"Didn't have a single drink"

Nope

Hey that pic was from Wednesday night! Hmmmmm....

[trish]

You have a boozer who doesn't think she has a problem. You have a mother that believes all that is said by daughter, ignoring liters of booze fond in her trunk. They both had issues and without consequenses neither HAD to face the truth.

I gave them both a reason to face the truth.

Can you imagine what it would be like to live in this home if they both denied? If they she ignored what was in black and white and took her daughters side and decided I was a liar about the whole thing? How wonderful would the rest of my married years be?

Is the stepdaughter a minor? If she isn't I don't see why the threat applies to the wife unless she's already told you that if her daughter goes she goes too.

If she is of age, why not just tell the stepdaughter to find some roommates and move out of your home? Also she should find a part-time job if she wishes you to continue paying for her education (assuming you are paying).

A little responsibility may knock some sense into her if nothing else.

[Spicoli]

She was there on Wednesday night. (I think it was 18 yr old night??)

Came home at 1:30

"Didn't have a single drink"

Nope

I can swear to my mother's grave she had nothing to drink that night.

[Brickman]

Is the stepdaughter a minor? If she isn't I don't see why the threat applies to the wife unless she's already told you that if her daughter goes she goes too.

If she is of age, why not just tell the stepdaughter to find some roommates and move out of your home? Also she should find a part-time job if she wishes you to continue paying for her education (assuming you are paying).

A little responsibility may knock some sense into her if nothing else.

She works part time, community college here is cheap, a couple hundred bucks + books. She's taking a whopping 7 units this semester (3 weeks) , and hasn't studied at home but once.

Her mother doesn't hold her accountable for any past actions and is an enabler. Crashing cars, skipping school, dropping classes, getting drunk when a minor. She has never been punished. The reason her mother does it, is because her daughter was a daddy's girl and wants her to be a mommy's girl.

So the daughter has grown up not just with the old single child "I get what I want" syndrome. But I have no accountability, can lie to my mother with my eyes closed. It was typed in black and white that a friend called her an alcoholic and her mother took her daughter's excuse that it was just a joke hook line and sinker.

He said" " You are an _____ starts with an A and ends with a c". (as good of a friend as he is, he couldn't even confront her by spelling it out)

She says "Eff you, you are just jealous. But what if I did have a problem?" (Her italicized word not mine, clearly responding with an Eff U for mentioning it, making an excuse that he's just jealous about her drinking, and than asking her friend but what if he's right?)

Trust me, it would be easier to just turn my back, but like the Fram Oil Filter commercials from years past, "pay me know or pay me later" one has to face the problems and it should be easier now. But BOTH of them need too.


Hey that pic was from Wednesday night! Hmmmmm....

Hmmm indeed.

[Jag_Warrior]

I feel for ya, Brickman... I really do. I generally have problems dealing with kids when I date divorced women. So I won't/can't offer any advise on what to do to help this girl. But as I said, I feel for you and I hope that something snaps your step-daughter out of this destructive behavior... before she injures herself or someone else.

With someone else's kid, I think it's hard to win. So at most, I try to make one effort. If I was married, as you are, I guess it would be different and I would need a bigger playbook. But when I want peace & quiet, I expect there to be peace & quiet. The drama of work and family (and Champ Car :D) is more than enough for me. So my lifelong saying (usually given at "breakup time") is, "I can be miserable all by my dayum self... I don't need your help with that."

Right or wrong, I don't believe one can "fix" other people, unless they want to be fixed. So I hope you'll take care of yourself and not let this situation drag you down.

[FTG]

Go to one of these:

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

Seriously. Hundreds of thousands of people have been through the same thing. There's no need to reinvent the wheel.

[oddlycalm]

Go to one of these:

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

Seriously. Hundreds of thousands of people have been through the same thing. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Good advice :thumbup:

oc