This is awkward to write...

[stroker]

as it's a bit personal. I have a request for some complicated guidance.

Almost exactly two years ago I asked you all for suggestions in how to prepare for the arrival of our first child, who was born in December of that year. She's been an absolute joy to us and I can't even remember what life was like before she arrived.

The good news is that she's got a sibling on the way, due next January. The bad news is that we might have some medical complications. We've had some preliminary tests done. Based those test results, our age (40+) and other issues the predicted chances of the baby having Downs or worse, Trisomy 18, are estimated at double the last time. The chances still aren't high (1 in 5 for Downs, 1 in 20 for Trisomy 18) but my wife is having a very difficult time with this. She's feeling very guilty about having been greedy for a second child when we were so blessed with the first and is fearful of the potential complications. She's so stressed about it I think she's at risk to cause complications or miscarry just from the tension. Her first pregnancy was fairly straightforward and went very well. Because we have to take care of our first child, there isn't as much time for her to rest after work, etc.

I'm trying to downplay the need to worry until we've got something concrete to worry about (bad test results) and play up the fact the odds are still significantly in our favor. What I'm worried about is that I might not be taking the situation as seriously as I should. (A co-worker knowingly delivered a Trisomy baby that lived only six hours. I can't imagine the strength of going through a pregnancy knowing you'll have your kid for only hours, days or weeks...) We've got our hands pretty full now, and we're certainly not flush with cash. If #2 has Downs or worse, I don't think I'm even capable of truly understanding how it will change our lives. I know that I'll love the kid whether it's normal, deaf, blind or something else, but I'm concerned that I'm going to get blindsided if it happens. I don't even know what my options for insurance are, let alone whether I can afford them. I guess that's the first thing I should be working on... We're going to talk to the genetic counselor tomorrow and we've got more tests scheduled for later in the week, but I doubt they'll be conclusive as it's just too early. I suspect there's an awful lot of error and false positive/negative results that we never hear about.

So I'm coming to you guys for suggestions...

[trish]

You've gotten test results that say something may be wrong with your baby, or you are still awaiting the results of a preliminary test?

[Brickman]

Real world stuff that matters.

IMHO this is a great community that will support you and your family 100%.

My niece was called back to the doctor after some tests and ultrasound, they nervously said on their drive there "Hopefully the baby is just missing a leg".

Sure enough that's exactly what it was.

I believe the genetic counselor won't steer your wrong. I'm not sure you can add insurance after the pregnancy has begun.

I try to believe that God won't give you anymore than you can handle, you have my prayers and support.

[TravelGal]

She is probably worrying now because before you had no idea what it is like to care for a child but now you do. So the thought of having one that might be disabled in some way breaks her heart.

As you are finding, it is very difficult to tell someone not to worry. That adds to the already stressful situation. The only person that might have a hope of successfully persuading her to worry LESS is an outsider, like a doctor or therapist.

If you're looking for information, start calling around to the March of Dimes and other societies. They may be able to help you with facts.

"Facts" is the point here. Right now you are talking only probabilities. As Trish inferred, you don't have those test results yet. In some ways, that is what is making it all the more difficult. The unseen is always more scary. We can deal with what we can quantify.

It's a tough one to go through but it sounds like your head is in the right place. Keep us posted.

[dando]

Hang in there. We had our second just before we hit 40, and the SIL when she was 40. I'm not overly religious, but I've always taken solace in these words:


Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time:
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking as He did, this World as it is,
Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I May be reasonably happy in this life
And Supremely happy with Him,
Forever in the next.

Reinhold Neiburh – 1926


Thoughts & prayers...and if that doesn't work there's always beer. ;)

-Kevin

[cameraman]

I hated that part of the process. After working in human genetics for 15 years, waiting for the test results just sucked. Waaaay too much information rattling about my brain. There really isn't a blessed thing you can do but try to relax and wait it out. Thankfully by far the most common result is everything is fine and your wife needs to fixate on that bit. But it's bloody well impossible I know.

The tests themselves are good. Unless there is operator error involved they are extremely accurate.

[stroker]

You've gotten test results that say something may be wrong with your baby, or you are still awaiting the results of a preliminary test?

My understanding is that based on the preliminary ultrasound and bloodwork the hormone levels are "high" and the neck/fluid thickness measurement (there's an acronym but I can't remember it... MoM?) is running thick (1.3mm as compared to .9mm last time? They can measure that precisely via a technician's skill and ultrasound? My BS meter's climbing on that...). We've got the test results at home and I'll edit this later once I've got the paperwork in front of me. Basically they used the numbers, cross-referenced against age and came up with the probabilities I mentioned in the original post. It sounded to me like a WAG but I guess there is a hell of a lot of statistical data out there so I can't discount it. There are thousands of perfectly normal kids born with the numbers they gave us, so I can't get too bent out of shape, but try telling that to SWMBO... :\

That's the frustrating thing... you're looking for a single incontrovertible objective measurement to give you a positive/negative result, but all they can give you is statistical data. It's like the old "get a car built on Tuesday/Wednesday cuz they have fewer defects..." If you buy a Monday car it might be perfect and even if you DO get a Tue/Wed car it doesn't give any assurance it'll be better. :irked:

She wants to do the FISH test and we've got an amnio scheduled for the last week of July. We'll see what happens.

Thank you all for your support so far. It means a lot. :thumbup:

[oddlycalm]

Accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Kevin has it right whether you believe in prayer or just common sense. Three rounds with cancer taught me to not spend time thinking about "what ifs" and focus on the here and now. The fact is that I got back up after every setback, and if I hadn't worrying about it wouldn't have contributed anything positive regardless.

Free floating anxiety doesn't contribute anything but stress and you are right to be concerned about the effects that stress can have. The good news is that there are simple mechanisms one can learn to control the anxiety so the anxiety isn't in control. Get help with that ASAP before the stress of the anxiety takes it's toll. You have to take care of yourselves before you can take care of anyone else.

oc

[SteveH]

Best of luck stroker to you and your wife. I wish I could offer more.

And oc - good job

[rosawendel]

We had ours when my wife was 42. here's the rundown of our thoughts at the time: the amnio (sp) might have given us some information, but the amnio itself is not without risk. the question we asked ourself was: what would we gain by knowing? we'd have a 4 month head start if there was a problem (we'd be keeping the baby regardless of the outcome). was that risk worth the potential complications of an amnio? we decided it was not, so we had no invasive testing done.
"stinky butt" turned out fine. he's two now, and an absolute blast.

[oddlycalm]

"stinky butt" turned out fine. he's two now, and an absolute blast.
I may be going out on a limb here but in my experience the stinky butt thing is standard issue, though at times it seems almost impossible that such a tiny person can unleash such a diabolical odor. :laugh:

oc

[RaceGrrl]

A friend of mine had a 2 year old daughter when she and her husband decided to have a second child. Jen did not have the age risk factor, but in her testing they were told that the child would have Down syndrome. It was devastating news for her and she struggled with carrying to term and the fear of how they'd manage with a developmentally disabled child.

They decided to have the baby, and five years later, Mary is the joy of her life. Jen now says she cannot imagine her life without Mary- that being her mother has taught her so much about patience, and more importantly- joy. What seemed unimaginable at first became normal, and then later; positive.

Best wishes.

[SteveH]

I think the happiest person I know has Downs Syndrome. Bill is the brother of my wife's closest friend and lives with them. He is employed, loves movies and collects DVDs. He has a very good life.

[Andrew Longman]

Lots of good advice here. All I can say is this is a highly personal choice for you and your spouse and you might not land in the same place. I think it is important for your whole family to do whatever you need to do to be completely open, candid and eventually aligned on this. You kid(s) will need that.

I have no personal experience with this so I can't say much else except to rely on the advice, expertise and counseling of those who do.

Good luck.

[JoeBob]

A lot of anxiety comes from how chances are presented.

You're worried because they warned you about a 1 out of 5 or 1 out of 20 chance that something is wrong.

If they had presented it another way, you and your wife probably wouldn't be as worried.

There's a 4 out of 5 and 19 out of 20 chance that everything will be just fine.

If they had presented the same data that way, you guys might not be so worried.

[Indy]

Hope that amnio goes well, stroker!

[stroker]

I don't know what the "false negative" rate is on amniocentesis, but she tells me that we got a clean bill of health and a gender. :thumbup:

Who wants to know if it's a boy or a girl?

:)

[Dvdb]

Great news, congrats.

I'll go with a boy

[SteveH]

Great news! :thumbup:

[TravelGal]

Boy, this is good news. I mean, only a boy would cause this much trouble. Or maybe only a girl?


Are you allowed to tell? I wanna know; I wanna know.

[Michaelhatesfans]

I don't know what the "false negative" rate is on amniocentesis, but she tells me that we got a clean bill of health and a gender. :thumbup:


:thumbup:

Of course, it doesn't mean that you're finished worrying.;)

But seriously, don't forget these past few weeks. When you come around a corner a few years down the road and discover that he/she has taken out your favorite high dollar electrical appliance, you'll need some perspective.

No, really.:cool:

[Kiwifan]

Great news mate! :thumbup:

[trish]

It's gotta be a girl. :) Congrats and good luck.

[dando]

:cool:

-Kevin

[G.]

:thumbup: :thumbup:

[Don Quixote]

:thumbup:

[cameraman]

:thumbup::):cool:

[stroker]

Our baby arrived this morning at 10:16. 7 lb 5.5 oz and 20.5" long. All described so far as "perfect" by everybody from the medical side of things. Mom and our second daughter "Courtlyn" are resting comfortably.

Thanks again all of you for being there for me months ago.

:)


PS I've been reading a lot about Spitfires, Hurricanes and Lancasters of late. I floated the name "Merlyn" past Mom a week ago but she shot it down. I, of course, never would have told either our daughter or her mom that she'd been named after an aircraft engine but I thought it was a cool name for a girl...

[dando]

PS I've been reading a lot about Spitfires, Hurricanes and Lancasters of late. I floated the name "Merlyn" past Mom a week ago but she shot it down. I, of course, never would have told either our daughter or her mom that she'd been named after an aircraft engine but I thought it was a cool name for a girl...

Was Danica considered? :gomer: Congrats. :thumbup: Oh, and sorry about your luck. :gomer:

-Kevin <== 2 girls 6 & 3

[Elmo T]

Congrats! :thumbup:

[Don Quixote]

Good job, mom and dad! :thumbup: :thumbup: With two you can still play man to man defense. If you have another you will have to switch to zone.

[dando]

With two you can still play man to man defense. If you have another you will have to switch to zone.

Safety in numbers...once they out number you, yer screwed. ;)

-Kevin

[SteveH]

Congrats :thumbup:

[RaceGrrl]

Awwwww, welcome to your little spitfire! :)

[oddlycalm]

Nicely done :thumbup:

IMO Merlyn is a great name for a kid, but there is also Allison if you want to stick with that engine theme. You might also try Whitney with Pratt as a middle name or...:gomer:

oc

[TrueBrit]

Congratulations!:thumbup:

[trish]

Congratulations! :)

[datachicane]

Congrats! :thumbup:

Of course, if you named her Merlyn, you'd have to name the dog Rotax :gomer:

[TKGAngel]

Congratulations! And Courtlyn is a great name.

[nrc]

Congrats and well done!

[Robstar]

Nice one! :thumbup:

[TravelGal]

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY! Sorry for screaming (but you know it's true) ;) :thumbup:

[Gnam]

Congrats. :)
She was born yesterday, but she's already ahead of USF1.

She has a tub, two drivers, sponsorship, and an online fan site. ;)

[Ankf00]

Congratulations, sir.


Let 2x the puke-fest commence :D

[Indy]

Awesome, stroker, just awesome!

[chop456]

Congrats.

[rosawendel]

good job. congratulations.

[Elmo T]

She has a tub, two drivers, sponsorship, and an online fan site. ;)

:thumbup::thumbup:

[G.]

Congrats. :)
She was born yesterday, but she's already ahead of USF1.

She has a tub, two drivers, sponsorship, and an online fan site. ;)

:rofl::rofl:

Congrats, stroker!

[tllips]

Congrats!

[Andrew Longman]

I, of course, never would have told either our daughter or her mom that she'd been named after an aircraft engine but I thought it was a cool name for a girl...

I have a daughter named Melissa, after the Allman Bros tune (her mom thinks she's named after a college friend of hers. :gomer:

Congrats.

(you might also consider Cosworth... at least as a middle name ;))

[BZSetshot]

Congrats Stroker! Glad to hear things worked out well! God Bless you and your family.:thumbup: