Heard any good ones lately?

[Turn7]

HER DIARY:

Saturday night I though he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV'; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it any more so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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HIS JOURNAL :

Texas lost today, but at least I got laid.

[racer2c]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I haven't heard any jokes, but I saw the above recently and thought it was funny.

[Ankf00]

Originally posted by Turn7
HER DIARY:

Saturday night I though he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV'; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it any more so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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HIS JOURNAL :

Texas lost today, but at least I got laid.

OU weekend huh? :( :cry: :flame: :mad:

[rocket]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm,
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"


You might be a redneck Jedi Knight if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You use your lightsaber to clean fish.
Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

[DjDrOmusic]

With thanks to Rodney Dangerfield...

My wife is a terrible cook, toast isn't supposed to have bones!

My Uncles dying words to me were "come sit on my lap".... he was in the electric chair!!

My ex-wife was so fat when she went swimming she left a ring around the Lake!!

:D

[chop456]

A guy sees a sign at a garage sale that says, "Talking dog for sale."

He says to the owner, "You have a talking dog?"

"Why don't you ask him," says the owner.

"Oh sure, I can talk," says the dog.

"So what's your story," asks the customer.

"Well, I've been able to talk all my life. For a long time, I worked for the CIA. I was one of their most valuable intelligence agents. I'd sit in on top secret meetings, because nobody would suspect a dog would be able to talk. I traveled all over the world. Recently, I've been semi-retired, raising a mess of puppies, but I do contract work for local law enforcement and whatnot."

Amazed, the customer turns to the dog's owner and says, "What do you want for him?"

"Ten bucks."

"Ten dollars? For a dog like that? Why so little?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[FTG]

Talking dog walks into a bar. Bartender is amazed. Says to the dog, "Can you go get me a carton of smokes?"

Dog says, "Sure, give me ten bucks."

Bartender does. Dog is gone for a long time. Owner and bartender get worried and go looking for the dog. Owner and bartender find the dog making love to a female dog in an alley. No smokes.

Owner says, "I don't understand it. He's never done that before."

Dogs says, "I've never had ten bucks before."



An american is travelling in Europe. He sees 10 men running into a field of 100 cows.

American asks the local, "What are they doing?"

"They are going to make love to the cow."

"OK. But why are they running? There's only 10 guys and 100 cows."

"They don't want to get stuck with an ugly cow."

[cart7]

Arnold Palmers ex is on her honeymoon with her new husband. They get done doing "it" and he rolls over and picks up the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says.

"I'm calling room service to order some champaign and strawberry's" he says.

She said, "If Arnie was here, he'd roll over and do me again."

So he does. When he gets done, he rolls over and picks up the phone again.

"What are you doing" she says.

"I'm calling room service to order that champaign and strawberry's"

"Well, if Arnie was here he'd roll over and do me again" she says.

Sooo, he rolls over and does her again.

When they're done, he rolls over and picks up the phone.

"Hey", she says, "What are you doing now?"

He says, "I'm calling Arnie to find out what par is on this hole."

[devilmaster]

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.

They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we
just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"

[RaceGrrl]

A man, sitting in his easy chair hears the family car tearing down the street and skid to a stop in front of the house.

Wife runs in the front door and says, "Pack your bags! I won the lottery! I won the lottery!"

Husband jumps up from his chair and excitedly says, "Where are we going? To the mountains? The beach? What should I pack?"

Wife says, "I don't care what you pack, just get the hell out!"

[EDwardo]

A guy and his wife have been planning to paint their porch. All the supplies are laid out by the front door. But its a big job and they have been putting it off.
Then there is a knock on the door. Its a young blond woman who asks if she can do any odd jobs for some money. The guy thinks about it for a minute and says sure. You can paint my porch and I will pay you 50 bucks. The blond agrees and he tells her that all she needs is out front.
Half an hour later the blond knocks on the door. The wife says, I wonder if she knows the porch goes all the way around the house?
The guy opens the door and the blond says, ok, I am finished. I even had enough paint for two coats.
"But I have to tell you mister, that car is a Lexus, not a porch!":D

[paper]

one old guy tells his buddy " eh this viagra stuff works purty good" his friends says " can ya get it over the counter?".. he says" yeah, if ya take two!........paper

[racer2c]

Originally posted by paper
one old guy tells his buddy " eh this viagra stuff works purty good" his friends says " can ya get it over the counter?".. he says" yeah, if ya take two!........paper

:thumbup: :rofl:

[Canon2292]

A blonde goes to her local mechanic.

blonde: Sir, I need a new "seven-ten" for my car

The mechanic admits to not knowing what a seven-ten is and takes her to a vehicle in the garage.

mechanic: does this car have a seven-ten?
blonde: ofcourse it does, silly!

The blonde points to a small black cap------ 710

If I had another twenty minutes I could it tell it better.:shakehead

To all blondes: See explanation below


















Read the post upside down.

[Climber]

A duck walks in to a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No. And don't come in here again!"

Next day, the duck walks in the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no again and tells the duck not to come back.

Third day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No! And if come in here again asking for grapes I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!"

Next day te duck is back in the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "No," and the duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"

[Lizzerd]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when a huge truck pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!"

[IlliniRacer]

A seventy year old man walks into the the confession booth. "Father, I just had sex with two twenty year old women." he says. "Tell me, my son. When was the last time you confessed your sins." asks the priest. "Never." says the man. "I'm Jewish." The priest is obviously upset. "Why would you come in here and confess your sins to a Catholic Priest if you are Jewish!" The man replies. "Who said anything about confesssing my sins. I'm 70 years old and just had sex with two twenty year old womwn. I had to tell someone."

A Blonde is sitting at a bar, I regular walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a VT with an L." "Here ya go. One VT with an L." Another regular comes by and says "I need an SS please." The bartendar hands him his drink. The blonde asks the bartender whats up with the codes. "This way, I know who my regular customers are." Says the bartender. "The lady who asked for the VT with an L wanted a Vodka Tonic with a Lime. The next gentleman order a Scotch and Soda. That gentleman over there is drinking a BL in a M - A Bud Light in a Mug."

The blonde thinks this is a great concept and decides to try it herself. She yells to the bartender: "Hey bartender!" "How about a 15?" The bartender looks at her with a puzzled face "What are you talking about." "You know, the drink code, a 15!" The bartendar shakes his head. The blonde says "15! You know 7 and 7."

[ncmlj]

Little boy and his Grandpa go out fishing. They are out fishing and Grandpa reaches in cooler and pulls out a beer, little boy says Grandpa, Can I try one of them, Grandpa says well, does your winky touch your butt hole? little boy says NOPE! well then you can't have one. So they go about thier fishing when Gramps reaches in his pocket and grabs a smoke, little boy says Grandpa can I try one of those? Gramps says well, can your winky touch your butt hole? little boy says NOPE! Well then you cant have one. So they continue to fish and the little boy reaches in his lunch bag and pulls out a cookie, Gramps says, hey can I try one of those? little boy says, Well, can your winky touch your butt hole? Gramps says SURE CAN! Little boy says well then go F_ _K yourself!

[Hink]

Did you hear about Bush's plan to split up Iraq into three sections?

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Regular, Unleaded, and Diesel.

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(I have plenty of much better ones. No way could I tell them on a forum.)

[RichK]

A woman takes a lover during the day while husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.

Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy "$1,000"

The surprised father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s**** again".

[TedN]

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities

Among the brothers:

Sooflay .................... the restauranteur
Guday....... the half-Australian brother
Huray....................... the sports fanatic
Sashay........................ the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay..... the twins from the African mother
Sayhay................. the baseball player
Ojay.................... the stalker/murderer
Gulay................ the singer/entertainer
Ebay.......................... the internet czar
Biliray............ the country music star
Ecksray........................ the radiologist
Puray........ the blender factory owner
Regay....... the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay................ the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay.............. the coffee shop owner
Bufay................... the 300 pound sister
Dushay......................... the clean sister
Phayray............. the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway.... the grocery store owner
Ollay................. the half-mexican sister
Gudlay.............................. the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay .......... but the family doesn't
like to talk about him much

[indyfan31]

Originally posted by TedN
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities ...

Crap! Now I have a keyboard full of coffee!!! That was absolutely priceless.:rofl:

[rabbit]

Originally posted by TedN
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities
[snip]
There is Oyvay .......... but the family doesn't
like to talk about him much Now that's funny!:D :thumbup: