racer2c
01-16-04, 01:03 PM
Going through old email is FUN! :)
> Steven Wright-isms
>
> Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
> went nuts.
>
> If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
> considered a hostage situation?
>
> Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
> there.
>
> If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>
> Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
>
> If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
>
> I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
> gone. I said,
> "The whole time."
>
> So what's the speed of dark?
>
> How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
>
> After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
> of the water?
>
> Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
>
> I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
> are furious.
>
>
> Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
>
> Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
> Special Olympics?
>
> Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>
> When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a
> woman talks
> dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
>
> If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
>
> Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
>
> Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
>
> Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
> appear bright
> until you hear them speak?
>
> How come abbreviated is such a long word?
>
> If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
> cold tomorrow,
> how cold is it going to be?
>
> Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
> is dead?
>
> Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
>
> Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
> Shouldn't they be called builts?
>
> Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
>
> Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
> already know you
> don't have?
>
> If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
> is
> expanding, what is it expanding into?
>
> If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
> the taxi driver end up owing you money?
>
> What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
>
> If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
> other trees make fun of it?
>
> Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
>
> When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a "near miss"?
> It sounds like a near hit to me!
>
> Do fish get cramps after eating?
>
> Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
>
> Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
> charge
> of
> everything outdoors?
>
> Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
>
> If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
>
> When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
>
> Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's
> not a door?
>
> Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
> Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
>
> How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
> ducked
> when some
> one
> threw a gun at him?
>
> If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
> progress?
>
> Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but
> dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
>
> Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
>
> Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
>
> Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
>
> Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
> Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
>
> What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
> and
> apes?
>
> Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
>
> Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
>
> Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
> longer?
>
> I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
> self-help
> section?" She
> said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>
> Steven Wright-isms
>
> Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
> went nuts.
>
> If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
> considered a hostage situation?
>
> Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
> there.
>
> If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>
> Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
>
> If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
>
> I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
> gone. I said,
> "The whole time."
>
> So what's the speed of dark?
>
> How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
>
> After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
> of the water?
>
> Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
>
> I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
> are furious.
>
>
> Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
>
> Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
> Special Olympics?
>
> Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>
> When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a
> woman talks
> dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
>
> If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
>
> Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
>
> Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
>
> Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
> appear bright
> until you hear them speak?
>
> How come abbreviated is such a long word?
>
> If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
> cold tomorrow,
> how cold is it going to be?
>
> Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
> is dead?
>
> Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
>
> Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
> Shouldn't they be called builts?
>
> Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
>
> Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
> already know you
> don't have?
>
> If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
> is
> expanding, what is it expanding into?
>
> If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
> the taxi driver end up owing you money?
>
> What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
>
> If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
> other trees make fun of it?
>
> Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
>
> When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a "near miss"?
> It sounds like a near hit to me!
>
> Do fish get cramps after eating?
>
> Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
>
> Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
> charge
> of
> everything outdoors?
>
> Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
>
> If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
>
> When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
>
> Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's
> not a door?
>
> Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
> Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
>
> How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
> ducked
> when some
> one
> threw a gun at him?
>
> If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
> progress?
>
> Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but
> dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
>
> Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
>
> Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
>
> Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
>
> Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
> Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
>
> What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
> and
> apes?
>
> Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
>
> Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
>
> Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
> longer?
>
> I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
> self-help
> section?" She
> said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>