Racewriter
03-20-04, 12:12 AM
Watching the usual suspects blather the same topics, and reach new heights of hypocrisy, I've come to suspect that there's a playbook that TG, Rahal, Penske, Barnhart, etc. are following. As it turns out, I'm right - and through secret sources, I've been able to acquire a copy of this playbook. At risk of serious injury, I've decided to pass along a portion of the playbook to you.
SECTION ONE: LYING IN PUBLIC
Lying through your teeth is an important skill for today's open wheel power broker. The trouble is that the current lie may contradict old lies, so it's a complicated process to get through. In this section, we'll lay out some basic rules, and the videotape provided with this handbook will help you through it.
1. Lie. Say whatever is expedient at the current time. Disregard any past statements. (See George, Tony)
2. If called on the lie, your first course of action is to refer to the new statements as a "clarification." (See Barnhart, Brian)
3. If the questioner doesn't buy the clarification excuse (see DeSpain, Dave, or Miller, Robin), simply pretend that you didn't say what you said before. (Again, George, Tony)
4. If the questioner has exact published quotes from years ago that contradict your newest lie, claim to have been misquoted or misunderstood before. (George, Tony)
5. If the questioner has direct, incontrovertible proof that what you said before cannot possibly agree with what you are saying now, break into jargon about "business plans" and "evolving over time," etc. (George, Tony, or Rahal, Bobby).
6. If that doesn't work, begin spouting gibberish until the questioner simply gives up or passes out. (Heitzler, Joe).
7. Blame the other guys (pretty much frickin' everybody).
8. Finally - and this is the most important lesson of this section - never, ever, ever mention the race fans. Race fans are silly people. They tend to believe things you say, which makes it decidedly inconvenient to forget them later. Besides, they pester you for autographs and merchandise. And, racefans do not come bearing free engines, or funded drivers. Their concerns are best left to the side.
I hope you understand that this is all I can post publicly. I'm currently living in fear, spending most of my time watching for ill-tempered elderly gentlemen in bright yellow polo shirts, coming to silence me. But I felt that this is information that needs to get out. If something happens to me....
SECTION ONE: LYING IN PUBLIC
Lying through your teeth is an important skill for today's open wheel power broker. The trouble is that the current lie may contradict old lies, so it's a complicated process to get through. In this section, we'll lay out some basic rules, and the videotape provided with this handbook will help you through it.
1. Lie. Say whatever is expedient at the current time. Disregard any past statements. (See George, Tony)
2. If called on the lie, your first course of action is to refer to the new statements as a "clarification." (See Barnhart, Brian)
3. If the questioner doesn't buy the clarification excuse (see DeSpain, Dave, or Miller, Robin), simply pretend that you didn't say what you said before. (Again, George, Tony)
4. If the questioner has exact published quotes from years ago that contradict your newest lie, claim to have been misquoted or misunderstood before. (George, Tony)
5. If the questioner has direct, incontrovertible proof that what you said before cannot possibly agree with what you are saying now, break into jargon about "business plans" and "evolving over time," etc. (George, Tony, or Rahal, Bobby).
6. If that doesn't work, begin spouting gibberish until the questioner simply gives up or passes out. (Heitzler, Joe).
7. Blame the other guys (pretty much frickin' everybody).
8. Finally - and this is the most important lesson of this section - never, ever, ever mention the race fans. Race fans are silly people. They tend to believe things you say, which makes it decidedly inconvenient to forget them later. Besides, they pester you for autographs and merchandise. And, racefans do not come bearing free engines, or funded drivers. Their concerns are best left to the side.
I hope you understand that this is all I can post publicly. I'm currently living in fear, spending most of my time watching for ill-tempered elderly gentlemen in bright yellow polo shirts, coming to silence me. But I felt that this is information that needs to get out. If something happens to me....