I lost one of my best friends Thursday - *extreme warning, graphic story*

[devilmaster]

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU WILL BE DISTURBED BY IT - GRAPHIC DETAILS

Man, this is going to be tough to write.

I write this because i've been told repeatedly to keep talking about it to my family and friends, and i consider OC to be that.

In the pic below, its about the two people in the back, me (on the right with the sunglasses hanging off the collar) and my friend Mike Morden, (on the left, with the plaid shirt and smokes in the breast pocket).

http://www.mnsi.net/~smicalef/May%2024%20Road%20Trip%20054.jpg

I've known Mike since 92, he joined our unit of the Canadian Naval Reserves one year after I did, we sailed together on a few ships, helped drag each other from bar to bar on those nights we went on a bender, we've seen Canada and the States together, and in those past 12 years, he has always been there for me, to help with anything I asked him to. When we took leadership training, he was asked by everyone in the class to be their 2nd in command. You could tell him what needed to be done, and he got it done, no ifs ands or buts. A truer friend you could not ask for.

Mike decided to end his life Thursday.

On Wednesday, I called him because he missed a shift at the Pizzeria where we both work on occasion. We talked for about 5 minutes, he told me he was sick with the flu, and to send apologies to our friends who own the place. Knowing he had to work Friday morning, I told him that if he still didn't feel up to it, to call me on Thursday and i'll cover his shift, he told me he'd call me if he needed me. I never got that phone call.

On thursday night round midnight, not hearing from him, I went to his house to check up on him. I found his vehicle to be home. I knocked on the door for 5 minutes. Not getting an answer, I tried the door. It opened to a darkened house, with only the radio playing. After stumbling around to find a light, I turned one on and started searching through the house. I walked into his bedroom, turned on the light, saw him for 1 second and I ran out of the house.

In his decision to end his life, he laid down in his bed on his back. Laid a shotgun lengthwise on his chest, placed the end of the barrel either under his chin, or into his mouth, and pulled the trigger.

For one second, I saw the results of his decision. It is one second that i'm afraid will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Mike was always a private guy. No one knew the demons he faced. He never showed the problems he must have faced to come to this decision. No one suspected he would commit suicide. The only consolation I take, is that I found him when I did. His grandmother was planning on taking a cab to see him friday morning. I'm happy I had to see it instead of her.

We will probably never know all the things that drove Mike to do what he did. I can only hope he finds the peace in death that he never did in life. To him, I offer a traditional naval wish: Fair Winds and A Following Sea, my friend.

Steve

[FTG]

Talking is good. I'm glad that you shared.

My condolences to you and his family.

[trish]

I don't know what to say except that I'm very sorry for your loss. My condolences go out to his family. I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. You should definitely talk about it. If it gets to be too much for you, please see a professional.

[mexican]

I'm sorry for your loss, Steve. My thoughts are with you and his close ones.

[Rogue Leader]

very sorry for your loss :(

[nz_climber]

like they all said steve, sorry for you loss and we are always here to talk to, the whole OC family is here for you - don't be affraid to talk/cry/laugh/scream at us

:grouphug:

[JT265]

Condolences and all the best Steve, as always.

~ JT

[Chitowncartfreak]

Steve - I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know what else to say. :(

[anait]

:(

[Rob]

Damn. My most sincere condolences go out to you, Steve. What a horrible thing to have happen. :(

[Methanolandbrats]

I don't usually respond to stuff like this, but I went through the exact same scenario with my grandfather. First of all, don't engage in "if only I had" scenarios because people choose their own path in life and you could not have changed anything. Your friend loved you and you have to treasure the times you had together. Dig out photos and talk to people about the good times you had together. Talk to the clergy performing the ceremony and put together a photo collage for the service. Celebrate the good times. I am very sorry and hope this helps.

[Hard Driver]

I'm really sorry. Sorry for your friend Mike, he must have been suffering to come to this descision. Sorry for you for losing your friend and all the pain that you obviously do and will feel. Sorry for all of his other friends and family.

I can tell you are troubled by what you saw. If you weren't, you wouldn't be human. And I know human nature is to wonder "what if" and beat ones self up when this kind of tragidy happens. It never does any good by what I can tell. I think you are on the right track to try to talk about it and work out your feelings. I can't even begin to try to relate. But I can say that when I go to funerals, I try to focus on the good times had, I know that is what I would want my friends to do.

My condolences.

[RaceGrrl]

Steve, there is nothing I can say except that I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself.

[Railbird]

Thoughts and prayers for you and your friend.

[Audi_A4]

Gee Steve, thats awful. It's the most selfish act anyone can commit .... suicide .. to make it worse you were the one who found him and will be forever scarred. I am so sorry for you and wish you the strenght to pull through this dark time in your life.

[fourrunner]

Wow Steve, that is so sad .... what a good friend you are to care so much for Mikes welfare !

My condolensces !

[nrc]

Very sad news, Steve. Please take care of yourself. A trauma like that is probably more than a person should try to handle alone. Best wishes to you and peace to Mike.

[Jag_Warrior]

Like many, I don't know quite what to say. I've known people who committed suicide, but no one who was that close to me... and I didn't see the scene. I can't imagine how you feel. I won't pretend that I do. But I hope you're able to keep talking and not let this bottle up inside. He obviously felt some sort of deep pain that he thought no one could relate to. By your reaction, he was clearly wrong.

I wish you and his family well.

[TheGuywho]

wants to say something, just not sure what. My brother witnessed the tragic death of a child when a mini-van door opened on the expressway, he was haunted, is haunted about the why these things happen. His brother attempted to take his own life once, depression and life took him down. Again a why these things happen. Because your close friend died the way he did you need to talk. Because you found him you need a good counsler, so that the wound you feel in your heart can heal.

Hope you can find answers that give you peace.

[Michaelhatesfans]

I won't even pretend that I have the words, but my thoughts are certainly with you. :(

[Kiwifan]

Mate, I am so so sorry.

Rusty.

[RaceCat]

My thoughts are with you! Do as others have said and, please, take care of yourself, I'm so very sorry. All I can add is that time is your friend and as time passes you will heal. Easy to say now, I know, but trust me it is true. I will keep good thought for you and your friends family for a long time.

RaceCat

[Clown]

:(
Whilst its somewhat a cliche, you should try to remember the good times you had together.
What happened was not your fault, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

[pineapple]

Although having to be a witness to what must have been a horrifying scene, I am relieved that it was you who did find him. You were such a true friend - thoughtful, loyal and kind and caring - that you still came through for Mike in the end. Not many of us can honestly claim that rare lifetime's blessing of true and worthy friendship.

Mike was a most fortunate man - he had you as a friend.

Now, please take care of yourself.

[JoeBob]

Steve,
I wish there were words that could turn back the clock and change how things happened, but there aren't. Instead, all I can say is: I'm here if you need anything.

[racer2c]

My thoughts are with you Steve.

[cart7]

Sorry to hear Steve. My prayers go out to you. :(

[Don Quixote]

Sorry this happened. :(

[oddlycalm]

Sorry to hear Steve. The only thing I can tell you is that time is the only thing that will help. Be well.

oc

[RTKar]

Steve, I'm so very, very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you, with Mike, his family and friends. Knowing he was a true friend of yours tells me he must have been a wonderful mate.

[SteveH]

Steve, may your friend rest in peace and may you find some in the days to come.

[DjDrOmusic]

We're here for you Steve....

[Ankf00]

he was lucky to have a friend like you steve.

[pfc_m_drake]

Very sorry to hear that story Steve. Prayers for you, your friend, and his family.

[chop456]

My condolences, Steve.

[Warlock!]

I don't have the words, dude...

Peace.

[rocket]

No words can fill the void left by your friend, but you and his family will be in our prayers Steve.

Joe

[Anteater]

Steve, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Mike, and for the circumstances of his death. I hope that time and good memories will heal your pain. :(

[G.]

Damn.

I am sorry.

If anyone here is contemplating taking their own life, please realize how selfish it is to those you leave behind. Get help.

A friend like Steve is rare indeed.

[Elmo T]

If anyone here is contemplating taking their own life, please realize how selfish it is to those you leave behind. Get help.


That was my first thought. I cannot think of a more selfish act.

Steve... Things happen for a reason. I am sure you finding your friend saved the family from an unnecessary trauma. I hope they (and you) can remember him in the happy times.

Cherish those happy times and support your friend's family. I think it will be helpful to you all.

[Lizzerd]

I have some first hand experience with the same thing, Steve. I understand the confusion/rage/sorrow you are goiing through. Hang tough, my friend.

[Classic Apex]

So very incredibly sorry to hear about your loss, Steve.

Thoughts and prayers.

:(

[RaceChic]

Steve, I am sorry.

You have always been a very good and true friend to me.

Thank-you for sharing your story with me over coffee on my way home from Road America. I am always here for you.

Please keep talking to us in this thread as you need to.

We are all here for you.

[BZSetshot]

So sorry to hear this. My deepest condolences.

[devilmaster]

Thanks to all for the kind words, emails and phone calls.....

Its been a very tough few days, but the love and caring of my family and friends have been amazing. I only wish we could have heaped all this attention on Mike if he would have only let us.

Steve

[devilmaster]

As a final post to this thread, I want to share my eulogy that I gave today, and again, I would like to thank all those at the forums for you kind words and understanding. I've been good, and getting better each day. I am not haunted by the visual I have, and the strength from my old Naval unit and its members has been amazing. Someday soon, I will feel good. For now, I truly miss my friend.


Family and Friends, Welcome.

First off, I'll need to apologise. If the following stories and tales did not happen exactly the way i've described..... its the way they should have happened, if I only had a better memory.

If you're here today, I don't have to tell you what we've lost. Mike was many things to all of us. He was a grandson, a brother, a shipmate, a gourmet cook, a teacher, a mentor, a drinking buddy, and sometimes, he could be a royal pain in my you know where. But he was always a caring, giving friend. Its those things i'd like to briefly talk about, and tell you perhaps something you already knew about Mike, or if you didn't, give you memories that you can add to your own.

The words I have constantly thought back to these past few days, are perfection, dedication, shock and caring.

Mike was a perfectionist in whatever he did. Perhaps you saw this in his cooking. He loved to come up with the monthly pizza special for Terra Cotta, which could have involved glazed duck or a balsamic reduction. I always had something in my fridge from him, as he always gave me some new food to try. Perhaps you saw it in his decorative paddles. I talked to him repeatedly about partnering up on the paddles and selling them for profit. The plan was simple. He did all the hard work and I'll take a cut of it. It sounded like a great deal to me. The one thing I really remember about mike's perfection, is the work ethic he had and expected of those around him. I worked harder when we worked together, to show I could keep up with him. I usually ended the day working with him, by taking aspirin to dull the pain and a promise to myself to get in better shape. Mike always expected people working with him to have his level of work ethic.

Next is dedication. One of the most memorable incidents was Mike getting sick while he was trying to fire and qualify on a 9mm browning pistol. In between rounds of getting sick, he continued to aim and fire the pistol, always keeping it down range and properly secured. Now that's dedication. Or perhaps some might remember his mock lesson plan for his instructional techniques course. The students were to make a sample lesson to teach the others in the class. While his classmates taught auto repair or something they knew from their trade, Mike decided to have some fun with it, and came out with his lesson on 'The Three Proper Ways of Eating Oreos" which included visual aids for the class of cookies and milk. He went through a 15 minute lesson on this, giving everyone in the class a chance to do it properly. In the end, he passed this class, with a Bravo Zulu for originality. And to top it off, once home, he claimed the cookies and milk as a valid military expense. And guess what, he got the money.

Mike loved to shock. His humour was based in shocking people. Seeing where the line was, and then proudly stepping over it. Some mess mates might remember a Halloween party years ago, where mike came dressed as Frank-n-Furter, the lead character from the rocky horror picture show. It required him to wear a bustier, garter, fish-net stockings, high heels, a huge wig, and bright red lipstick. A sight to behold, no doubt. I never did ask him if he waxed his bikini line. Perhaps that was why Mike and I always got along and into so much trouble. He was my conscience gone bad, or good, depending on your point of view. Whenever I came up with some crackpot scheme to have fun or do something, Mike was always there to say, lets do it. I remember calling him one Saturday night at about 10. We got past the pleasantries, and we got to talking about why I called. I told him, I've just decided 5 minutes ago, i'm getting up in 5 hours to drive to 4 hours to Chicago to go see one of my autoraces, then turn around, and drive the 4 hours back the same day. Wanna come with? Knowing he wasn't a race fan, i put the odds at 10% he'd go. He thought about it for 15 seconds, and then said, ya know, I haven't done a road trip in a long time. Sure, i'm in. And that was it, he went.

And that leads me to caring. He was always there when anyone needed him. A helping hand to move furniture, a drinking partner when I needed a drink, an ear to listen when I needed to speak. He quietly, without needing recognition, helped people when they needed something. Its that, more than anything else, is what I will cherish. Behind his sometimes gruff and shocking exterior, Mike was a caring, decent, good man.

Everyone has their own memory of Mike. Sooner or later, I hope to hear all of them.

Being a teacher, Mike is teaching all of us one good final lesson. And its a lesson I personally forgot. We are all a family. A big huge family. We need to look out for one another, and be there for each other. Failing to do that, we have failed Michael and the memories of him.

To my friend, I offer a traditional naval wish. Fair Winds and a Following Sea.


Steve

[RaceGrrl]

Simply beautiful. Godspeed to Mike, and peace to you, my friend.

[race chica]

it was a beautiful eulogy. Losing someone who is close to you is very hard as i am fininf out now. if you need to chat dont hesitate to send an email. i've been told that i am a good person to vent to.

-amanda