Sumpthin' Funny

[rocket]

This lady's dog, a schnauzer, has the world's bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping into trees, beer trucks, you name it. She takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out of his eyes so he can see where he's going. The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she should do it herself, take the schnauzer to a dog trimmer, or perhaps use hair remover to do a more permanent job. So, she goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover. He says, "This is our best depilatory. Use it full strength on legs and half strength on underarms."She says, "But it's for my schnauzer." "Then use it quarter-strength and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

[rocket]

A Nun with a broken leg is sitting waiting for the bus, when 2 hippies walk up. One hippie asks " Sister, how did you break your leg " to which she replies, "I slipped and fell in the bathtub." Well he looks at the other hippie and says, "What's a bathtub?" the other hippie replies, "Don't ask me, I'm not Catholic"

[rocket]

Signs You are too Drunk

You loose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth.

Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.

You fall off the floor...

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
their heads when they walk past you.

The shrubbery's drunk from to frequent
watering.

[RaceGrrl]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh, my God! Really? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

[Dave99]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Jobe. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them and after a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered".

:D