Chuck Norris: An Homage

[racer2c]

One of those office emails making it's way around. this made me laugh to the point of tears for some strange reason. BTW, Chuck Norris has never cried. (this is an edited version).

http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/B000063WJV.03.LZZZZZZZ.jpg


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ^&*( down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's bull****.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Superman sleeps in a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

[trish]

So, Chuck is a tough guy? ;)

[Don Quixote]

So, Chuck is a tough guy? ;)
You got that right.

[Ankf00]

yea, but Chuck Norris never took on a Ninja named Ditka.

[Al Czervik]

If you make a grammatical mistake on a thread title, Chuck Norris will kick your ass!

[Tifosi24]

Chuck Norris's main export is pain.

[chop456]

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $%^& with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris has a reinforced titanium toilet, as his urine is shot out with such amazing force it would shatter a standard porcelain toilet.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris. On the seventh day God did not rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for not making Chuck on day one.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and *&^% on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

[Dirty Sanchez]

http://badgerherald.com/artsetc/2005/02/02/LAH1_dm_416.jpg

[fourrunner]

Does Chuck have a "Hair Dye" endorsement contract ?

When it comes to tough guys, I always envision Raiders of the Lost Ark, where The Sword Guy is going through all his "Fancy Conniptions" with the sword, and Harrison Ford just pulls out his gun and shoots him !

But I liked "Walker, Texas Ranger" bad acting & all ! :)

[trish]

Chuck responds:

Just the Chuck Norris Facts, Ma'am By Joal Ryan
Fri Jan 13, 8:36 PM ET



Here's a true fact about Chuck Norris facts: Their bearded namesake doesn't really get them. And here's another one: He's okay with that.


"Some are funny. Some are pretty far out," Norris said in a recent post on his Website. "Being more of a student of the Wild West than the wide world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it."


"[But] I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously."


To the uninitiated, Chuck Norris facts are statements about the iconic, kung-fu fighting action star that are very likely not at all factual--i.e., "Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one,"--but which sound right because Norris is, after all, an iconic, kung-fu fighting action star who willed Walker, Texas Ranger to live for nine prime-time seasons.


According to the actor's publicist, Jeff Duclos, Norris' favorite Chuck Norris fact is the one about the Boogeyman: "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."


According to the Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/chuck/), the people's most popular Chuck Norris fact is the poetically stoic "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."


"Ultimately," Duclos said, "it's very flattering."


The Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator, a descendant of the Random Vin Diesel Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/vin/), and a precursor of the Random Mr. T Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/t/), has been serving up "Paul Bunyanesque exaggerations" of Norris' powers, as the Washington Post put it, since last summer.


Starting in November, the site became "exponentially popular," mushrooming from 10 million hits to 37 million hits today, according to Ian Spector, who oversees the fact generating empire with the help of the coder known as "Toad King," and the two NASA employees whose earth-bound interests include a certain former A-Team star.


Spector doesn't really know why the Norris facts took off, drawing much attention from bloggers and emailers.


"I told maybe 10 people about the site," Spector said.


Spector can't even really say why Norris, whose signature movie hits (Missing in Action, Invasion U.S.A., A Force of One) predate the 17-year-old Brown University freshman, became the subject of the Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator, except to explain that when his site asked users which star they wanted to see get the Vin Diesel treatment (Christopher Walken? Samuel L. Jackson? Lindsay Lohan?), Norris outpolled all comers.


Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Norris, 65, was cowriting a novel. When he hit the road to promote The Justice Riders, as well as his new tough-guy venture, the World Combat League, he found himself faced with the same question: "Everybody wants to know [about the facts]," Duclos said. "It always comes up."


By New Year's, the Post was weighing in on the phenomenon. Then, late last week, Norris weighed in on the subject himself.


"It's quite surprising," Norris wrote on his Website.


Spector, meanwhile, wasn't surprised that Norris opted not to go Delta Force on his computational biology-studying student body. "Had he or the other people on [Norris'] site been upset," he said, "I think I would have heard from them sooner."


Spector almost came face-to-feed with Norris last Monday, when both were booked as guests on CNBC's The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch. Norris was in the main studio; Spector, wired up to appear via live remote. But as bad timing would have it, Spector's segment got cut. The camera never cut to him; the virtual confab never happened.


Said a non-embittered Spector: "It was an interesting experience."

While the Web hits keep coming, Spector is already looking ahead--to a new site, and maybe to a new subject.

Random Steven Seagal facts, anyone?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eo/20060114/en_celeb_eo/18154

[trish]

When Chuck Norris' **** hits the fan, the fan breaks.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Until Chuck Norris visits Baghdad, they will not find any "Weapons of Mass Destruction" in Iraq.

[trish]

Chuck Norris once ate a three month old baby and then pooped him out the same day as a full grown man. His name you ask...? Abraham Lincoln. Abe later went on to end slavery and go on a beard promotion tour throughout the United States.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that Jesse became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.

Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley

Chuck Norris doesn't follow the road. The road follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris spent 10 years in a tiger cage in Vietnam. Not because he was caught by the Vietcong. But because he wanted to spend some time alone with his thoughts.

Chuck Norris swears he didn't sleep with your wife. Yes, it is strange that your children show an affinity for Texas justice and beard cultivation. No, Chuck Norris does not know why your wife can only climax when you wear a karate uniform. Chuck Norris thinks you are asking the kind a questions a person asks when they want to be kicked in the face.

Once, Chuck Norris filled in as a substitute teacher for a 2nd grade class. At lunch that day, a student asked Chuck to protect her from a bully. He promptly confronted the bully, and gave him a stern glare. The bully immediately died of heart failure. Chuck then turned around and kicked the little girl in the sternum for tattling.

edit:

Chuck Norris fastens his condoms on with staples.

[Don Quixote]

Chuck responds:
Just the Chuck Norris Facts, Ma'am By Joal Ryan
Fri Jan 13, 8:36 PM ET

Here's a true fact about Chuck Norris facts: Their bearded namesake doesn't really get them. And here's another one: He's okay with that.
Chuck is only pretending to be a good sport about this. Roundhouse kick in the face on the way for all of us.

[fourrunner]

I hear he's Gay ! ;)

[rabbit]

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

[My favorite]As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.[/myfavorite]

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

[trish]

In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, "Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it." Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to call the official a "*****", and roundhouse kicked him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore.

[Spicoli]

chuck norris is my father. now you all know why i kick so much ass and have sex with so many waitresses

[EDwardo]

As I go through my days I often ask myself, "what would Chuck do?"
But then I remind myself that I'm not Chuck. And I couldn't do what he would do anyway. Unless its something like "thank you, ma'am."

They should clone Chuck a few thousand times and then we would have a really kickass army. Osama Bin Toast. Iran but you can't hide. Sorrya. Kim Il corpse.

I got pretty excited there for a minute.

I think I will write another letter to Chuck. I write him every day.

[racer2c]

As I go through my days I often ask myself, "what would Chuck do?"
But then I remind myself that I'm not Chuck. And I couldn't do what he would do anyway. Unless its something like "thank you, ma'am."

They should clone Chuck a few thousand times and then we would have a really kickass army. Osama Bin Toast. Iran but you can't hide. Sorrya. Kim Il corpse.

I got pretty excited there for a minute.

I think I will write another letter to Chuck. I write him every day.

:rofl:

[coolhand]

these are funny
http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

[Ankf00]

Upon watching the old superman movies, chuck norris thought he had found a worthy opponent. Sadly he was mistaken and christopher reeve is now paralized from the neck down

[trish]

these are funny
http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

I think he smiled.

[fourrunner]

He does look good for 78 !